I'm pretty mean to myself... I always have been... but usually I know what the triggers are. I'm used to having some bad thoughts. And I'm used to having ... or well... KNOWING my strengths. And my general life consists of both of these on a daily basis.
Scratch that... my life DID consist of both of those. There is NO time for my strengths with motherhood right now. There is no time for drawing most of the time, or marketing, book writing, goal planning, dreaming right now. There is just baby. Most of the time awake, often crying in my presence baby. And it's draining me.
Motherhood is bringing out the worst thoughts. I'm not "good" at this. This isn't coming naturally to me. And I constantly feel like I'm failing.
The hardest one as of late is wondering why *I* can't put him down to sleep. My husband doesn't have this problem... just me. It's ME. Something's wrong with ME. I can get him to sleep. On ME. The moment I put him down though, he's crying.
It's completely debilitating. And exhausting. And I often feel like a TERRIBLE TERRIBLE human because I want SO badly to get something done, just for me. Just a tiny thing. But I'm often either too tired, or too mushy brained to do so. I feel guilty for not just enjoying my baby. Enjoying this time with him, since it will float away right before my eyes... but I don't know how to turn off my brain enough to just BE.
I know ALL of these thoughts are totally normal. I know I'm not alone, and I'm not really a terrible person having them... but try telling yourself that in the moment...
Anyways... if anyone else is feeling this way, know you are NOT ALONE. Not at all. Not even a smidgen. Alas... I must go take care of my little Ollie Bird... and hope my husband brings home dozens of dozens of caffeine and cookies. ;)
Hope you're having a beautiful day friends.